Guest Post: Church Ladies

Our daughter, Paige Lowe, posted this on her Facebook page, but we thought it had ideas that others in churches -- and church leadership -- need to hear. She gave us permission to post it here. 

The photos are from a variety of churches across the country, but not from the one Paige visited this week. 

Dear American church,

I love you. Let's talk.

I went to a church this morning (that shall remain nameless. They seemed like nice people) and when I opened the bulletin, I was greeted by an insert listing all their life groups (Bible studies in hip modern church speak).

I was impressed by the sheer number of groups, but as I began to look, I got more and more frustrated. There were 20 groups. Five of those groups were focused on parents or moms (moms, working moms, parents, parents of young kids). None of them were specifically for dads, but don't worry, men. Four other groups were just for you, and none of them take place during work hours. Are you 30+? There's a group for you. If you're in recovery, there are 3 groups for you (two of those specifically for women). Couples? There are a few groups for you, too (unclear whether or not any of them apply to those who are couples with someone who watches Dragon Ball Super instead of going to church on Sunday mornings).

Women's groups for the weird non-moms in non-crisis? There's a women's group for women at "all ages and stages" on 9:30 am on a Wednesday, so I guess you’re welcome as long as your age and stage isn't "employed in a standard weekday job.”

The problem isn't just this church. Most churches I've been to seem to forget there are working women without children. And this church isn't awful. After my initial frustration, I noticed two meetings for "Families of all ages, couples, and singles," which helps. But still, I have beef.

When someone walks into a church and sees everyone catered to but them, it makes them feel like they don't belong there. The women who aren't in a lovely Christian couple might have even more desire for a Christian community than moms who get together with their husbands for devotions every morning (is that what you guys do? I assume it's what you guys do. It sounds adorable).

I don't expect any church to have a group specifically for "25 year old women who married heathens and like to watch sitcoms," (although if your church does have that, call me), but I think we can do better.

The fact that women are the church's largest demographic, and single working women make up a huge chunk of that but aren't covered under any targeted groups like men or moms, says a lot about who the church is focusing on. Those women with free time, energy and skills. They want to care about your congregation and can contribute *so much*. The fact that I've seen churches across the country who KNOW it's the 21st century, but still plan women's Bible studies as if none of us work says that we still have a long way to go.

How do we solve it? Thanks for asking! There's a ton of ways. Here’s a few ideas:

1. Stop having your only women's group during the workday. Just. Stop. Or at least stop pretending that group is a viable option for every woman in the church.*

2. Have more groups that aren't focused on demographics. Maybe I missed it, but I don't remember Paul ever saying that the church is best when sectioned off into "30 something couples" and "Men 50 and older." Although I can see the value of having people who understand your life experience, that experience isn't defined solely through the US Census demographics. Sure, men probably don't understand your problems with patriarchy, and women might not understand guys’ issues with...um, emotions? The draft? We'll probably understand better if we meet and talk about life together.

3. Have interest groups! I've heard of churches that have board game groups. I had a ton of fun meeting with friends and talking about God in Doctor Who. Some churches have knitting groups that sound super boring to me, but are a great way to meet and talk and share. Interests don't have any built in "you can't come," just a built in "You might not care." If people find things that they're passionate about, it can help other people come in.

Whew. That was long. And probably didn't cover everything. BUT if you took nothing else from this:

Where are the women? Not your Bible studies if you only put them on weekday mornings.



*Dean and Mindy’s note: If your goal is to reach only women 70 years and older, this is a perfectly reasonable time. If you want to get older women out at night, suggesting that younger women share rides could be a solution. What are your ideas?

Bret Goes to Church (Guest Post!)

We’ve noted before that it really isn’t fair to evaluate a church (or a bar, for that matter) by one experience, but people often decide whether they’re interested in a church based on one visit. We’ve occasionally visited churches with our son, Bret, and we got to talking about it. Here’s what one recent church visit decided for him -- Dean and Mindy

Church for the Socially Awkward

I’ve never been the best at the whole socializing thing. I was the guy in the corner looking at his phone at most parties, only this was before everyone had smartphones, so I was the guy in the corner looking at whatever electronic device he could find, including pocket flashlights. I needed written instructions from a humor columnist to understand proper bathroom etiquette. Even today, after years of progress, anything I say about the unwritten cues of society should be taken with the same amount of salt as the average fast food… anything.

With that out of the way -- I like to think the Church can deal with people who are socially awkward. I know God can, and we’re supposed to be his instruments on Earth.

Often, the Church has. I’ve been to good churches, both long and short term, and churches where, even if things didn’t work out, the problem was clearly on my end.

At a church I recently visited, I don’t think the problem was on my end.

For all I know, it’s a fine church, full of people devoted to Christ and strong in his service, people who it would be an honor to meet. But there’s the problem. I didn’t meet anyone.

Before the service, I put in a light attempt to mingle. Not anything impressive by professional standards, but I drifted through the break room on the side trying to find anything that was not coffee (an attempt doomed to failure). In the process, I passed by a number of people in prime “party’s full” clusters. And then I drifted back out. No greetings, no “hey, have I seen you before?” No “trust me, the coffee’s garbage.” Just people with their own things going on, and me left with mine.

It didn’t go much better once the service proper started.

There’s no set form, as far as I’m aware, for Protestant church meetings, but if you spend fifteen minutes on a video about your current church development plans before you even have a song, it implies a certain message: “You’ve been here before.”

No greeting or anything beyond “you should probably fill out the cards” for a new visitor to latch onto, just status updates on things you were expected to know already.

I mean, I get it. It’s a late evening service, the regular core is attending; it’s for them. But I felt like it was only for them. Anyone from outside who attended was a statistical anomaly -- they should have already come to a church event or something already, and if they don’t feel comfortable, it’s their own fault.

Well, maybe it's my fault. Again, social skills are not my strong suit, and I didn’t put that much effort into making myself a member of the community instead of using Project Gutenberg to see what Christian writing was in the Canadian public domain.

But one thing I’m pretty sure of?

You shouldn’t leave church lonelier than when you came in.

Bret Anderson recently moved back to his native city of Fresno to find that it seems different since he left 26 years ago. Good coffee wasn’t on his list of requirements for a good church then, and it isn’t now -- but fellowship is.

How to / How Not to Make a Church Website (guest post!)

I’ve been visiting a lot of church websites recently. Probably not as many as Dean and Mindy (who, from here on out, I’ll be calling Dad and Mom, which I find it more comfortable and accurate, seeing as I’m their daughter), but quite a few.

I moved from Pennsylvania to Washington state last July, and even though my parents have been playing at church hunting, I’ve been doing the real thing, and I can say from the front lines that it can be exhausting.

Honestly, the worst part of the process isn’t finding churches or meeting a whole group of new people each week or even wading through the sermons (I’m looking at you hour-long-sermon-with-no-real-point). The hardest part is that every time I walk through a church’s doors, I have no idea what I’m getting into.

“But wait!” the hypothetical reader shouts. “What about their websites?”

And to some degree, the hypothetical reader is completely right. We live in the 21st century, and even the smallest congregation can put together the funds to get a domain name and slap together a few pages about what they believe and when they meet. Theoretically, this should be helpful.In practice, though, every church website ends up the same. If I had to break it into to three components, here they are: 

About section -- This is here to assure you that they are a Bible based church that believes in Jesus, the Trinity and all that good stuff.
“Wear whatever’s comfortable” -- Most churches that feel they’re hip enough to have a website want to make sure you know you’re welcome at their church no matter what you’re wearing. Some do include a note that many of their congregants still dress semi-formally, just to give you a heads up, but then reassure you that they will welcome you no matter what you wear.
Service time and location -- This is generally why I go to a church website. Although I check for the other two, it’s usually safe to assume they’re there, but this is the essential one. On some websites it’s the hardest to find, nestled away in some weird contact page, beneath three paragraphs describing child care. Just in case any church website planners are out there, I have a personal request: Please put this on the about page or the front page. If I can’t find it, I can’t go to your church.

Notice the things that aren’t on this list of common elements: service length, general congregation age, church size, style of worship, whether or not your church is filled with unrepentant serial killers (OK, I can assume on that last one).

Because websites are so easy to make with tools like Squarespace, Wordspace or any of their other fine competitors, the site for a church with six members might look very similar to a mega church’s site. (I once visited a church that, by their good site and decent signage, I expected a large crowd -- only to find about 9 people and a pastor with a guitar.) This makes websites almost completely useless. Which brings me to marketing.

It feels weird to talk about good marketing for a church, but I feel like it’s not a bad mindset to use. Bad marketing gets as many people as possible to look at your thing. Good marketing helps people figure out whether or not they want your thing, then brings them in. So here are a few things I’d love to see in a church’s about section:

Age -- Does your congregation have a lot of families? Let parents know, they’ll be happy to know their kids will be able to make friends. Do you have an older congregation with traditional hymns? That’s great! It’ll bring in both nice old people, and the younger people who love nice old people will be there too (at my college, some of the girls loved their church full of blue haired ladies since the students got treated like extra grandchildren).

Worship -- Do you have a top notch band who can provide a great worship experience, even for people who don’t like to sing? Advertise it. Do you sing the great old hymns and invite people to sing along as loudly as they can, even if they’re off key? Tell me that too.

Size -- Big churches are a little easier to identify; they usually have multiple services, but if you’re a small church or especially a very small church, I’d love knowing that. Some people might be intimidated by quiet singing and empty pews, but other people would love the community you’re able to build when you know everybody at your church.

Typical service length -- This is just practical: will I be there all afternoon? Let me know so I can plan accordingly. Some churches do actually put this in already, and I love them for it.

Style -- How demonstrative am I supposed to be at church? Now that congregations are getting a little more shy about talking about which sect they’ve chosen--or if I don’t recognize the name of their branch of Christianity--it’s harder to tell what I’m getting into. Smith Bible Church might be a quiet Presbyterian place where everyone keeps their hands on their laps, but Jones Community Church down the street loves throwing their hands up in the air and pausing services to let the congregants share their visions or prophesy. Neither of their websites will say a word about this.

Politics -- Are you, in the first place, at all political? Do you feel like your church is the place to rise up for important causes that you feel are related to your faith, or would you rather keep the politics at home? Where do you fall on the political scale? Additionally, national politics aside, does your church tend to be more liberal or conservative when it comes to their theology?

Photos -- These might be the most important. I’ve really appreciated sites that have at least one photo of worship (staff pictures don’t count). Pictures answer a lot of the questions I mentioned above without awkwardly saying “We’re a big mega church” or “We’re all old.”

I’m going to backtrack here. To some degree, the grab bag element to churches can be a good thing. Over the last year and a half, I’ve spent over ten months church hunting (here in Washington and in Pennsylvania as well). Because I don’t know what I’m getting into, I’ve seen a lot of churches I wouldn’t have otherwise, and some of them were great, and some of them were fun horror stories to tell my friends.

The problem, though, is the more bad fits I find, the more exhausting the search becomes, and the harder it is to try another church. Blind dating churches who aren’t quite the right fit wears you down just like any bad blind date would.

Obviously, this solution wouldn’t fix everything. The church I left because the pastor seemed to think the fact that nonbelievers can do nice things too was some amazing revelation won’t put that on its website. The church I probably won’t pick because their pastor’s sermon put me to sleep wouldn’t be able to anticipate that on their website either, but these suggestions might make the waters of church hunting a little less murky.

So, churches: use your websites. Tell me who you actually are. I’d love to meet you.

UPDATE 12/9/15 Paige just found a church website that she says "tells you exactly what you're getting, and I appreciate that. Their list of 'Rejected Church Slogans' has more personality in it than every church website I've seen combined."  Check it out! 

Paige Lowe graduated from a Knox College in Illinois a year and a half ago. Since then, she's lived in two communities on opposite sides of the country. She's sought out church homes in each place...but it hasn't been easy.